Random Musings of a Paradoxical Mind

Is that ham I smell?

Top Ten “Porky” Projects:

10-$1.7 million for a honeybee lab
9- $800,000 to study catfish genetics
8- $8 billion train from Las Vegas to San Francisco
7- $5 million for salaries at the Sugar Beet Lab in Michigan
6- $500,000 for the fruit fly research
5- $200,000 for Tattoo removal in Los Angeles
4- $400,000 to train teachers on bullying

……and the bronze, silver and gold go to these stars:

3- $59 million to study the mating habits of the Pacific salmon
2- $2 million for astronomy awareness in Hawaii!
1- $1.8 million to study the effect of swine odor on the environment

101 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE

1. 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
   2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
   3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
   4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
   5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
   6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
   7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
   8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
   9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
   10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
   11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
   12. Sniffle incessantly.
   13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
   14. Name your dog “Dog.”
   15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
   16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
   17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
   18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
   19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
   20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
   21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
   22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
   23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
   24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
   25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
   26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with the prophesy.”
   27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
   28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
   29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
   30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
   31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
   32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
   33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
   34. Drum on every available surface.
   35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
   36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
   37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
   38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
   39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
   40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
   41. Set alarms for random times.
   42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
   43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
   44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
   45. Honk and wave to strangers.
   46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
   47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
   48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
   49. Wear your pants backwards.
   50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
   51. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
   52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
   53. only type in lowercase.
   54. dont use any punctuation either
   55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
   56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
   57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
   58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
   59. Write “X - BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
   60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
   61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”
   62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
   63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
   64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
   65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
   66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
   67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
   68. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
   69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
   70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
   71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
   72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
   73. Drive half a block.
   74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
   75. Ask people what gender they are.
   76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
   77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
   78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
   79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
   80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
   81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
   82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
   83. Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
   84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
   85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
   86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
   87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
   88. Sing along at the opera.
   89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
   90. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
   91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
   92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
   93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
   94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
   95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
   96. Never make eye contact.
   97. Never break eye contact..
   98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
   99. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
   100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
   101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

"Republicans Must Respond to Obama" by Cal Thomas

President-elect Barack Obama. Those are difficult words for a conservative to say. Obama ran a brilliant campaign. He defied all odds — from his lack of experience, to what some believed was the obstacle of his race. That America would elect a person of color to the White House 45 years after Martin Luther King, Jr.’s “I Have A Dream” speech ought to make us all proud that we are Americans.

Dr. King said people should be judged by the content of their character. We will soon learn — as will those who mean us harm in the world — the strength of Obama’s character. As a strong pro-lifer it grieves me in the extreme that Obama has promised the radical pro-abortionists he will sign “The Freedom of Choice Act,” which will strike down the few restrictions on abortion in this country. Fifty million babies and counting is a horrible price to pay for someone’s “choice.” Pro-lifers must redouble their efforts through pregnancy centers to get the truth to pregnant women that there are far better alternatives than abortion.

First Amendment purists, who have argued against restrictions on pornography and flag-burning as infringements of free speech and expression, will now try to re-instate the so-called “Fairness Doctrine” which was made for another media era in which there were far fewer information outlets. Clearly the Democrats pushing this modern form of censorship are targeting conservative talk radio hosts and certain cable news channels. They are led by New York Democratic Senator Charles Schumer.

Obama could not have won without Republican help.

It was the first time in fifty years that Republicans lose congressional seats in two straight elections, proof of the public’s disgust with a party that promised reform and change in 1994, only to become part of the problem and not the solution. Republicans will not so much need to re-invent themselves, as they need to return to their principles and sell them less on the basis of ideology than on what works. For too long, Republicans have tried to “out compassion” Democrats. But the public figures why should they accept “Democrat-lite” when they can have the real thing?

The culture wars and old Republican men of the past must be retired. Republicans must respond to Barack Obama with new and younger leaders and ideas that appear to be new while founded on principles that work, if tried. If only Republicans had tried them they wouldn’t be in this position.